Scientists Behind NYUAD Social Experiment Finally Admit They Have No Idea What They’re Doing

“We’re still clueless how this got past the IRB,” exclaimed the lead principal investigator of the experiment.

Satire Columnist Writes Vanity Meta-article about Himself or Maybe Something Else Entirely

If you are reading this, The Gazelle made a truly bamboozling editorial decision.

NYU Abu Dhabi Officially Named Largest Daycare in the UAE

Given the number of lost ID cards posted on the Room of Requirement every day, it is not even clear we have object permanence yet.

Majority of Students No Longer Fluent in Any Language Whatsoever

“In high school, I was a genuine polyglot. Now I can barely form a coherent sentence before 10 a.m.”

Senior Literally Will Not Shut Up About Grad School

“Oh, I can take a rejection letter. But the pain of having an entire 20 minute conversation without being asked about my post-grad plans once … that stings.”

Laundry Exits Dryer Wetter Than It Entered

“Just like my last time at the hotpot, after ninety minutes inside, it came out several kilos heavier. And every weekend, the cycle just repeats itself.”

Senior Posts Rant on “Unacceptable” Graduation Plans Day Before They’re Actually Announced

"They take vindictive joy in shattering our dreams. Why else would they have gone into education?"

Panicked Students Running Out of Ways to Embezzle University Funds

I can’t even use my financial aid to buy stonks! Honestly, what’s the point any more?

Prepping for Feb. 15, Students Launch Subtle NYUAD Ghosting

It may not be the platform NYUAD needs, but it’s certainly the one it deserves.

Dangerous Gathering of 18 Chihuahuas Dispersed by Poodlic Safety Pawficers

While the NYU Abu Doggie labministration may not be wholly responsible for the new restrictions, they will nonetheless be enforcing them with an iron paw.

Math Program Launches Challenging New Course, ‘How to Count to Six, Idiots’

I might have gotten an A in Multivariable Calculus, but this… this scares me.

Wellness Department Announces That Only Those Experiencing Imposter Syndrome Actually Belong at NYUAD

Every real NYUAD student knows that they’re a complete loser just days away from being exposed for the fraud we all suspect they are.

Meal Club Revises Menu to Include An All New Set of Problematic Cuisine Options

Behind running a “Hot Wok” station without any visible woks and single-handedly supplying half of Toto’s annual royalties, this is by far our greatest accomplishment.

Student Government Drunk On Power After Minor Administrator Says “We’ll See”

With their newly unlocked authority, the E-Board has eagerly begun working on once unthinkable tasks like universal job placements at Goldman Sachs and allowing hotplates in the dorms.

NYU Launches New Small Ideas Courses

The new curricular initiative seeks to help students answer the other questions on our minds — or at least were on our minds until we got distracted by a surveillance bird pecking at our window.

The Gazelle’s Management Gets Long Awaited Op-Ed War with Admin

We’ve been taking advantage of WSN’s idiocy for years, but by inviting NYUAD staff to contribute, we not only boost the potential for spicy drama but significantly increase the writing quality.

Burnt-out Professor Asks Students for Extension

Dear class: I am, as you say, straight up not having a good time right now.

IM Students Recreate Iconic Fall Break Experiences in VR

We’ve even managed to replicate the experience of local vendors ripping you off — just put on our headset and go to BlueMart!

NYUAD Announces New Social Engineering Major

Forget Chemistry or Legal Studies, the new Social Engineering major will give you the real skills you need to succeed in life!

Vice Chancellor Revises Email to be More Vague

Set to release in a few short hours, the post-quarantine community-wide email still had one disastrous flaw: clarity

Removing calendars: how 2020 attempts to disrupt new year’s eve results

Having already stripped time of all meaning back in March, 2020 plots to take the final step required to trap us here for all eternity.

Vice Chancellor Comes Out as “mere mortal,” Sparking Controversy

“Contrary to popular belief, I am not a literal demigod.”

NYUAD Forum Renamed NYUAD Colosseum

We came to realize we chose the wrong element of Roman architecture.

NYUAD to Release its Officially Unofficial Guide to Social Distancing

Or was it unofficially official?

Attempt to Quarantine Coronavirus Causes Outbreak of Cabin Fever

You think Coronavirus spreads fast? Just wait till you see an outbreak of Cabin Fever.

NYU Administrators Hospitalized after Flexing too Hard on WSN

While some call the response excessive, their injuries will no doubt make them heroes among the NYUAD community for generations.

Colonizer Decides Which of His Former Domains to Visit for Spring Break

Quite simply, there's just too many options to choose from.

Corona Virus Declines Admission into NYUAD ‘2024, Cites Partial Aid Package

Scrambling to stop the next global pandemic, administration does the only thing sure to keep Coronavirus from coming to NYUAD: don't give it a full ride.

After Ten Years, Super Senior Cal Broom Finally to Graduate

Refusing to leave until his capstone was complete, Broom blossomed into a global leader who truly left his mark on the NYUAD campus.

NYUAD to Reject Students Who Speak Fewer Than 4 Languages

Seriously, what use are you to the world if you can't converse in five languages simultaneously?

New Convenience Store Leaves Students Destitute

When students without toasters are tempted with toastable waffles, how else could it end?

Chemical Test Shows NYUAD Students are over 40 percent Watermelon

We are what we eat. Apparently, we’re watermelon.

Students Request a Week Without Class After an Exhausting Spring Break

A growing portion of the student body are voicing concerns over the lack of rest between the socially demanding spring break and NYUAD’s intense course requirements.

Without STEM students for tech support, Humanities Professor cancels lecture

STEM students need to start enrolling in humanities classes to support their professors and peers.

Stealing Stuff On Campus Is The Most Responsible Thing You Can Do

Honestly, stealing someone’s stuff on campus is one of the most responsible things you can do to help the community.

Construction to begin on Pyramid complex for Campus Cats

The cats will finally be worshipped with the respect they’ve deserved all along, that too, on a pyramid that overlooks their mighty dominion

Candidate Weekend Syndrome: Symptoms, Causes and Cures

Candidate Weekend Syndrome is a specialized virus designed by NYUAD admissions. If every candidate is infected and properly fueled with sleep deprivation and ADNH catering, the result is a mass psychosis of enchanting experiences.

Everyone You Ever Thought Might Be Dating Actually Are

Every NYU Abu Dhabi student has a partner – except you.

All Future Course Titles to Be Acronyms

“From the CDC to A5C, everything else on this campus is alphabet soup. We just wanted to make course selection more on-brand.”

Student Burnout Triggers Fire Alarm

As the semester nears its end and stress continues to wear down the student body, burnout is spreading like wildfire across campus.

Duo Multi-Factor Authentication to Add New "Carrier Pigeon" Option

As described in Duo’s announcement, the Carrier Pigeon option, rather than prompting a phone login after two to 17 seconds, will deliver you an additional verification code via a grey bird eager to steal your bread.

ResEd to Require Highline Geckos to Complete Housing App

After years of discomfort on behalf of rightful residents, the era of non-consensual, unpredictable de facto suitemates has come to an end — unless you count your roommate's way too clingy boyfriend.

Wi-Fi​ Concerned About Transcript After She Drops Connection Four Weeks In

“I just got so used to dropping whenever I wanted,” Wi-Fi​ explained. “If I had to download too many readings or the professor asked me too many questions, I’d just drop."

FoS Students Visit Laundry Rooms to Study Entropy

When asked to justify the excursion, the FoS Professor replied, “Other than a senior’s capstone notes, there’s no better place to observe a system of inevitably increasing disorder.”