A great collective second guessing rocked the student body last week as the Wellness Department announced their findings from a month-long survey of student mental health. Their conclusions proved as rigorous as they were disturbing. While NYU Abu Dhabi successfully contained the handful of Covid-19 cases that appeared on campus this fall, imposter syndrome quietly ravaged the student body. Although the disease afflicts students of every race, tribe and tongue, the Wellness report has determined just one key risk factor: only those who actually deserve to be here are susceptible.

“Our findings are indisputable,” announced Dr. Waukina Poyntmint. “100 percent of students who experience imposter syndrome fully deserve their relationships, achievements and place at the school. Likewise, everyone who feels secure in the community tested positive for not belonging at NYUAD and only ended up here due to a glitch in the matrix.”

According to the report, every true NYUAD student knows that they’re a complete loser just days away from being exposed for the fraud we all suspect they are. Moreover, anyone who claims otherwise never deserved to be here in the first place.

The news received varied responses.

“I haven’t felt this validated in years,” said Aldoun Hilfrumhir, Class of 2022. “Not a day has gone by without feeling that I peaked with my last IB [International Baccalaureate] exam and that I don’t hold a candle to the talent and achievement of my peers. I’m glad to know that’s what it means to belong here.”

“Maybe they’re right,” confessed Strayt Chilan, Class of 2023, who was previously self-assured. “Maybe I’m just not cut out for life here. I haven’t questioned my self-worth weeks. Hey… wait a second...”

From the looks of it, the Wellness Department appears to be engaged in some form of emotional Jiu-Jitsu. They’ve identified the most universal source of potential belonging: our secretly collective sense of alienation.

To make the inadequacy as profound as possible, Director of (Un)Admissions Amy Slice unveiled a new set of criteria that all those enrolled must fulfill in order to continue their study. “Haven’t founded a non-profit? Gone. Speak fewer than 5 languages? Gone. Feel lonely sometimes despite having close, healthy relationships? Gone. Don’t have a job lined up yet? Gone. Lack humanizing weaknesses and shortcomings? Gone.”

“We hoped this reverse psychology would foster enough belonging and solidarity to quell the imposter-related anxiety,” explained Slice. “Sure, we might needlessly traumatize and gaslight some people, but this school was bound to do that eventually anyways.”

While the past few days showed initial reports of validating camaraderie, students of all classes still report feelings of inadequacy, fraudulence and only pretending to be a functioning person.

“I was supposed to have broken down my lab results four days ago,” explained Kant Evan Rytnou, Class of 2021. “The only breaking down I did was in bed with my pillow pet. Meanwhile my reference letters claim I ‘work well under pressure.’ Seriously, who is this person of which you speak?!”

“I was the greatest mind my high school ever knew,” lamented Bigfish Smolpond, Class of 2024. “Yesterday my roommate just sat down and wrote 15 pages. I sat down and struggled to write a single, stupid email. I’m one step away from changing my name to Ozymandius.”

Such is the life of a student at NYUAD. If you’re not a shadow of your former self, you’re in the shadow of the person right beside you.

Seeing their mixed results, Dr. Poyntmint conceded: “It turns out escaping a self-destructive cycle is really hard and expecting a few clever phrases to resolve deeply internalized contradictions was pretty short sighted of us. Who knew?”

2020 disrupted nearly every structure in which we live. Equally so, it disrupted our conceptions of the self. Once proud go-getters have lost all motivation, past social butterflies can’t bother to open a text message and formerly inquisitive students haven’t unmuted themselves all semester.

As finals descend and we face judgement from our professors and ourselves, let us all try to support one another and appreciate the complexity and diversity of our many experiences this semester. Spring will harbor many of the same challenges, plus plenty more. We’re all making it up as we go, no one knows what they’re doing and this place will myopically distort your vision if you aren’t careful. May we all see each other (and ourselves) as more than the mirage we judge our worth against.