Introducing The Lonely Hearts SIG

Graphic by Joaquin Kunkel

Dear Potential Lonely Heart,

Welcome — maybe — to the Lonely Hearts Student Interest Group, where you get to vent about how you feel about love, hate on love and discuss all the reasons why love is merely a man-made concept that is not real. I am the SIG president, Lina, better known as Misanthrope, not in love (unless Thom Yorke counts), never been in love and don’t plan on being in love.

I do plan on making you feel the same way towards love.

In this email, you’ll read the general rules of the group, our guidelines and what is expected of you as a member.

In case you do not fit the following rules, do not bother replying to the email:

To enter the club you have to have been feeling lonely for at least a month.
1. Yes, you can be in a relationship and still feel lonely, but you have a better chance if you have not been in a relationship at all in the past month, at least. Sorry, we have limited spots and funding.
You cannot be in a relationship while being a member of the club.
If any two members of the club date, you’ll be out of the club.

If you made it this far, yay. Now, here’s a general list of some of the many things we’re going to do over this semester:

Shit on love.
Burn everything we have left from past relationships.
Talk about how love is not real.
Not care about love.
Bet on when couples on campus will break up.
Voodoo.
Bet on who’s going to hook up with whom next.
Read anti-love poetry.
Watch movies about failed relationships.
Set up the people who rejected you with the biggest assholes we know.

A music playlist will be provided, which you can add songs to at every meeting; however, if you add love songs, you will have to be kicked out of the SIG. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Of course, if the song is about heartbreak, go ahead.

P.S. No Adele.

Sounds amazing right? Well, this leaves the last part of this process: selection. Our first meeting is on Feb. 14. Yes, you’re right, on Valentine’s Day. Oh wait, that’s today? Yes, it is. Show us your dedication. We’re having an anti-Valentine’s Day selection ceremony. There will be food. The process of admission is secretive and so I cannot share what’s going to happen there, but we hope to see you there.

Where? Well, if you hate love enough, you’ll find us.

Love, Misanthrope.

Lina Elmusa is a staff writer. Email her at feedback@thegazelle.org.

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