I use my philosophy major for what it’s meant for — ensuring you feel intellectually inferior to me in Twitter threads and over dinner conversations. Even if it takes randomly bringing up Kant or Nietzsche, I’ll make sure you understand just how modest your intellect is compared to mine. But even the old canon isn't safe from my scrutinizing gaze. Let me tell you why we should cancel Plato. Yes, the Greek philosopher that Play-Doh is named after. First off, have you even read “The Republic?” Well, lucky for you, I have.

Even someone like you remembers that one, right? Plato tells us that most people are like prisoners in a cave, tied up so that their eyes can only see the shadows cast by fire above them, mere reflections of the true reality. But hold on — what is he trying to say here? That we’re all too dumb to know what’s real unless we’ve had some elite, philosopher-level awakening? Sure, he’s got a point, but you can't just tell people they’re dumb! You’ve got to make them feel dumb. That’s why Plato loves humiliating Socrates’ interlocutors in his dialogues. He's the ancient Greek equivalent of a Reddit moderator who bans you if your opinion does not match his. Canceled!

Hear, hear! The philosopher-kings are here to rule society. Sounds great, right? Well, maybe not if you're someone who enjoys a little freedom in your daily choices — like picking what to have for lunch or deciding if you're going to spend your evening on a Netflix binge. In Plato’s so-called ideal society, everyone has their set place, like some kind of ancient Greek boarding school. It’s basically the prequel to “The Hunger Games” or Stalinism. A society where a bunch of know-it-alls decide what’s best for everyone else? No thanks, Plato! I’ll take a bit of chaos if it means I get to choose my own shows. Sometimes, a little messiness is exactly what you need to enjoy life’s finer things — like a surprise “Stranger Things” marathon.

Now, you might say, "But wait, Plato was a feminist!" He did, after all, suggest that women should have the same opportunities as men in his ideal state. And while that sounds progressive for ancient Greece, let's not give him a standing ovation just yet. His idea of gender equality was to make women act more like men — military training and all. It’s like saying, "We value diversity as long as everyone behaves exactly the same." Sorry, Plato, but gender equality means embracing differences, not making women enablers of patriarchy. So, before you start handing out feminist badges, remember — even ancient misogyny can wear a toga of progressiveness.

And don’t even get me started on Socrates, Plato’s mentor and, quite frankly, his enabler. This is the guy who wandered around Athens asking annoying questions until someone finally decided enough was enough. If Socrates were around today, he'd probably be that one person in the comments section who keeps asking, "But what is truth?" repeatedly. And who exactly gave this guy a platform? Oh right, Plato. It’s like he’s the original problematic podcaster. Socrates was already canceled ahead of his time. Plato had it long coming as well.

The man really thought everything we experience is just a knockoff of some perfect ideal in the cosmic world. Like, somewhere up in the heavens, there’s this perfect chair. And down here? We’re just making do with IKEA rejects. Plato, buddy, this isn’t philosophy; this is ancient-world stoner talk. Why are we wasting time trying to live up to some unreachable ideal? It's 2024, Plato, stop being a driver of beauty standards and body dysmorphia. We’re all about #SelfLove these days, not chasing celestial furniture.

So, should we cancel Plato? On one hand, he’s an elitist who laid the groundwork for authoritarianism, and his ideas about women and society are more outdated than that Greek yogurt in the back of your fridge. On the other hand, he’s been dead for over 2,000 years, so he’s not exactly in a position to post an apology video on YouTube. Plato’s ideas are baked into the foundation of philosophy. Canceling him is like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube.His ideas have influenced countless generations of thinkers, artists, and academics. You might not like his takes, but ignoring them doesn’t erase their impact.