NYU Abu Dhabi is reportedly planning to spend its entire budget next year on events for visiting and admitted students. The spring semester’s New York study away students will be provided with a weekend trip to the Burj Al Arab, a semester social at the Bulgari Yacht Club, Entertainer memberships, and their choice of gold watch.

“It all still costs them less than paying for a room in New York housing with a few rat roommates anyway,” said Hugh Dibt, a student at Gallatin concentrating in Interdisciplinary Space Lasers who eagerly awaits his time in Abu Dhabi. Being able to pet the campus cats, experience no semblance of a New York winter, and most importantly save 7,000 USD on his housing, all drove him to this wonderful campus.

With in-person Candidate Weekend returning for the class of 2028, and an unprecedented target of admitting only 4% of the class from the Regular Decision round, NYUAD can finally return to reporting the highest yield rate and lowest acceptance rate in the world. “What they actually experience when they arrive here is their problem,” said Public Citi, the shadow Director of Admissions.

NYU Abu Dhabi has also reached out to Warner Brothers, who can not be reached for further comment, to push forward the production of Dune 3 so that the campus can provide an exclusive admitted students weekend with Timothee Chalamet.

This year’s Candidate Weekends will include a seven-course meal — one course representing each continent, in keeping with NYU’s promise of the Global Network — ordered from single-use iPads displaying information about all of NYU’s global sites. Of course, once the event spending is accounted for, it is entirely likely that no study away opportunities will remain at NYUAD.

Talks are set to extend towards the possibility of providing a personal falcon for each Candidate Weekend attendee, so that they will always have something to remember Abu Dhabi by when they do not get enough financial aid to want to enroll. In an initiative sponsored by the Department of Sustainability and Stewardship, visiting students may also be provided with their own portable outdoor air conditioners. “I had been told not to go to Abu Dhabi in the fall semester under any circumstances,” said Dibt. “But now we can all embrace the heat by fighting it ourselves,” he added.

Current Abu Dhabi-based students remain set to face the impacts of continued budget cuts, as the university takes out a loan to cover all expenses not related to visiting students and administration. It has been announced that the default meal plan will be reduced further to 9 meals a week because, for once, evidence has been found of wasteful spending. “Do humans even really need 12 meals a week? Apparently not, as evidenced by the long lines of people on a Sunday evening stocking up on six dollar juices,” stated the new Dean of Financial Sustainability, Mysalocit Moni.

Indeed, Dibt is looking forward to taking his study away-exclusive core class on financial sustainability at a campus that is at the leading edge of the topic. Through a series of modest exercises, like planning an event to feed all of his friends and people who crawl RoR in search of free food, the class will introduce the rigorous theory of the Saadiyat School of Economics. Students will be flown business class on Emirates to various global financial hubs to underscore the importance of leadership around the world. NYUAD is setting out, in a mission crucial to the university’s long-term vision, to refine broke New York and Shanghai students’ understanding of money.

“You know what I got when I was accepted to this campus? A plastic water bottle, a notebook, and best wishes in these unprecedented times,” said Koron Veris, Class of 2024. “I still haven’t gotten wind of a single event on campus that people actually want to show up to,” he added.

Plans for next year’s budget remain in limbo.