Recent research, published by the greatly esteemed Institute of Bul Shettiman, has indicated that approximately 88 percent of undergraduate students who have not been guaranteed a job by their freshman year end up living on the streets post-graduation.

“The bottom line of our findings is that students will either be impoverished or become Bill Gates. There is simply no in-between,” Craye Boiye, assistant researcher of the institute, pithily summarized. “Most students without a confirmed employment contract in their college years end up being homeless. In addition, just getting a job is not enough. We observe that those who are not employed at top firms, say, teachers or artists, live off of modern peasant food."

“You need to do something meaningful with your life, like stewarding pools of capital or helping the government oppress citizens more efficiently,” added Boiye.

One finding of the dynamic machine-learning model is that Rate Of Homelessness (ROH) indicators spike up for students who have not yet had an internship at a consulting or finance firm by the first quarter of their freshman year. In summary, the chances of most university students landing stable employment is +/- 0, and they are most likely to become derelicts of no fixed abode.

Student reactions to this discovery have varied. The results are unsurprising for some:

“My suspicions have been confirmed,” sighed Anoi Ying Lee, Class of 2023, an Economics major and qualified Shareholdable Assetification Analyst (SAA). “I am taking four Stern Finance courses and have passed the Markets exemption test five times, but I still haven’t landed an internship. At least now I have valid empirical evidence to warrant my panic — I’ll panic with certainty and hopefully inspire the rest of my class to do so as well.”

Yet the report has deepened anxiety for others:

“I just went on handshake and applied for all available job postings,” said Ian Don Knoll, Class of 2025, majoring in English, minoring in Computer Science, and mediuming in Political Science. “There was a journalist position at the Times. Then I found a paralegal opening one floor below in the same building. Meghan Markle does it in Suits — how hard can it be, right? I also applied to a systems engineering position in Mumbai. Then I saw a ramen stand chef opening. So I applied for that too. Just to be safe. Anything to avoid homelessness.”

However, there is a silver lining amid these depressing findings. The Institute’s multi-dysfunctional regression also reports that movement away from Economics or Engineering majors result in significant falls in future income to as low as zero, or in the most dramatic cases, a negative salary (see appendix).

Figure 1: Income and Majors

On the flip side, students who major in Economics with a specialization in Finance will surely be making big bucks. A unit increase toward a major in Economics is associated with a 30 percent decline in the risk of homelessness. These include majors such as math, political science, and, to a lesser extent, Social Research and Public Policy. These students are employed at top Investable Funds or Equitable Banks such as Soldem Stacks, JP Boredom, or Darkdays. They commute via personal jets and live on diets composed of caviar and foie gras.

Unfortunately, students who major in subjects the furthest away from Economics, including Film, Music, and Creative Writing, almost certainly are thrown into the streets post-graduation.

“I recently advised an art major who was swayed by our study. He seemed to have believed that pursuing his ‘passion’ was worthwhile,” Moneyka Moneynski, head of the institute, guffawed somewhat hysterically. “Let the data speak for itself — there’s no way that you can make a living that way. You either graduate and work at a firm, or you’re set to live in a state of poverty for the rest of your life.”