I was never a big fan of astrology, but thanks to close friends in high school, I was obsessed with Myers-Briggs personality types. I’ve taken the official test about ten different times over the last four years and have always gotten the same result: ENFJ.

ENFJs are often called “The Giver” because they rely heavily on intuition and feelings and care deeply about their connections with other people. But there’s a limit to how much I can give, and I always push it. Being empathetic and being willing to help people are terrific traits, but there comes a point where the desire to help can become toxic.

If you hadn’t picked up on it already, I am a people pleaser. I hate that term, because people pleaser is thrown around as a positive label signaling that someone is helpful and kind to everyone around them. But being a people pleaser goes beyond simple helpfulness and compassion, it’s about prioritizing the wants of others above my own needs and often, to my own detriment.

I remember when, growing up, my parents would have me order pizza through the phone and my parents would make fun of me whenever I called because my voice would go up about two octaves and I would be ridiculously polite and overly apologetic. Even now, I struggle to talk to wait staff at restaurants without feeling like a burden or nuisance.

I censor my words and change my behaviors to accommodate other people’s feelings, preferences and reactions. I go far out of my way to do things for other people, regardless of whether I’m close to them or not. I get anxious about rejection and being disliked, to the point that I feel physically ill when I learn that I’ve upset or disappointed someone. This doesn’t apply to just my close friends and family either; it applies to everyone I interact with.

I also have a compulsive need to help, take care of, or even rescue people in my life because if I don’t, it feels like I’m worthless to them. I often tie my worth to my ability to provide for others making my self esteem is incredibly low. I end up taking on more than I can manage in order to feel useful, trying to lighten the workload of others while steadily ensuring that mine becomes so heavy it suffocates me.

I never really recognized my people pleasing as an actual problem before this year. 18 years of endless yeses finally caught up to me, and coupled with the pandemic, I felt more burnt out than ever before. I neglected my sleep, diet and wellbeing and felt constantly overworked and frustrated. I wanted somebody to offer to help or take care of me, but they couldn’t help me if I never asked. I never expected anyone around me to be perfect, yet I punished myself for being anything less than that.

In high school, I enjoyed having a really large circle of friends and being close with a lot of people. That has changed dramatically since I started college. I realize now that I relied on having a large circle of friends because of my desire to feel needed, and I gave up a lot trying to maintain so many relationships with people who weren’t always right for me. In college, my circle of friends is much smaller, but it’s also much stronger because I’ve found the people who encourage me to love and advocate for myself and learn how to say no.

I’m actively working on taking my life back. It’s a very slow process, but I’m focused on taking small steps. That means taking my time to consider what will be best for me before I answer requests. That means saying no without feeling like I have to justify or apologize for my answer. That means turning down plans because I know I need alone time to rest. That means sticking to my word and not caving in when people keep pushing. That means learning that saying yes to one thing inevitably leads to saying no to another, and being okay with that.

I’m learning to separate love and approval, and slowly working on accepting that the only person I really need approval from is myself. I’m finally focusing on pleasing myself instead of others. I haven’t stopped caring about other people, but I’m now able to also care about myself. Prioritizing my needs and wants has been the first step toward happiness, and I would encourage anyone feeling trapped by their need to please others to take a step back and try to do the same for themselves.