Since the Covid-19 pandemic started, I feel like I’ve slowly become increasingly impatient and irritable. I find myself on edge, annoyed and quick to anger in a lot of situations when in the past I’ve always prided myself on my patience. It’s a vicious cycle: I feel irritable, causing me to lash out for petty things, then feel guilty for lashing out and in turn, become even more stressed and irritable. After reflecting on how I’ve been feeling over the last year, I realized the last time I felt this way was after my grandmother passed away.

And that’s when I realized what I am feeling: it’s grief. I’ve been mourning the time I lost with my family, my hometown that I haven’t been able to go back to, spring break travel plans, relationships I failed to maintain over Zoom, plans for a study away in Europe and an abundance of other things that have been lost, or painfully altered and delayed. I know many others who have lost much more than I have. And thinking back, I know I’ve noticed these feelings of grief in almost everyone around me.

But what I first see in other people isn’t their grief and sadness. Instead, I see their anger, the way they snap at people around them and the hateful words they post on social media. My first thought is not about how they’re doing, but “What’s their problem? We’re all going through a tough time right now – show a little compassion.”

And that’s exactly the problem of the pandemic: we’re all grieving. Every single one of us has lost something during the turmoil of Covid-19, and we’re likely to continue experiencing loss. We’ve lost normalcy, we’ve lost connections, we’ve lost independence, we’ve lost family members and friends, we’ve lost opportunities and we’ve faced extreme economic hardship. The world has changed in so many ways that it often feels unrecognizable and the changes of the pandemic no longer feel temporary. After a year of restrictions and lockdown, it’s hard to imagine ever returning to a “normal” life.

We’re also feeling anticipatory grief. The uncertainty of the future brings anxiety and an overwhelming fear of what else will be lost. We have to manage grieving what has already been lost, while also worrying about what the future holds. And we’re not only anxious about what we will lose as individuals, but also about what we will lose as a society. The pandemic will undoubtedly have long term effects on our behaviors and lifestyles, even long after it’s “over.” We will have to continue to wear masks, opt for online classes and meetings and quarantine after travel.

We’re experiencing a collective biological response as our bodies frantically choose between fight or flight. Our basic needs are not being met and it makes us feel out of control. We’re all grieving on our own so we don’t have the emotional energy to support everyone around us, and our capacity to show compassion is severely lacking. While some who feel too drained to show compassion may choose the flight option, retreating into themselves and becoming quiet and withdrawn, it seems that many of us have chosen the fight option, lashing out at everyone, from our closest friends to strangers on the internet.

When I see the way many of us are treating one other, it’s easy to think that everyone is being mean and unreasonable and should just learn to be a little nicer. But that’s the thing about meanness — it implies intentionality. In most, if not all, instances, the people we think are being jerks during the pandemic aren’t doing it intentionally. It’s merely the product of the grief, stress and fatigue that have built up from living for over a year in a global health crisis that still has no end date.

I’m not saying that it’s okay to be mean just because it’s unintentional. But if we treat grief caused by Covid-19 the same way we treat grief over losing a loved one, then one could argue that we are entitled to at least a couple of behavioral “get out of jail free” cards. We all make mistakes and we all lash out, and as long as you do everything in your power to minimize the number of mistakes you make and apologize to the people you hurt while actively working to heal, there can be some room for acting out along the way.

But aside from these few behavioral privileges, the real world still moves on and speeds past us while we grieve, and while we’d love to, we can’t allow ourselves to live under a bubble of grief. We have to realize how our grief affects our lives, how it can cause us to hurt others’ feelings, damage relationships that need mutual care and maintenance to succeed and damage our own mental and physical health.

There are consequences to our actions that come from pandemic grief, and that’s unfortunate. It’s unfortunate that we can’t just skip class, crawl into bed and watch Netflix all day while eating multiple boxes of Oreos. But we can’t do that every day. We can’t do that because, even in a pandemic, the real world is still going on and we still have responsibilities. We can’t do that because life will still go on after the pandemic.

We all have to learn how to work and coexist even while we’re mourning. We have to let go of what we cannot control. And we have to stock up on compassion wherever we can find it. Physical exercise, healthy diets, exercise, consistent sleep and spending time outdoors are all great ways to keep ourselves healthy and motivated.

Personally, I found that scheduling my day into blocks while allowing devoted time for relaxation or hobbies gave me the structure and incentives I needed to get through the day. Talking with friends about how you’re feeling can help validate your emotions when you see that others are grieving too. Limiting doom scrolling through news and social media can help reduce anxiety. And if you’re still having difficulty coping with feelings of grief, anger, confusion and anxiety, it might be worthwhile to consider mental health telemedicine for counseling and professional support. There’s no shame in asking for help during a pandemic that has so greatly derailed all of our lives.

Even though we can’t stay in bed every single day shirking our responsibilities, it’s still okay, and crucial actually, to take time for self care and especially, for healing. We’re all a little broken right now, and we all need a little help and patience from each other to repair the damage.