Earlier this spring, news of Vice Chancellor Marinate Pemican’s mortality had rocked NYU Abu Dhabi to its core. So much so that it inspired the now highly popular core colloquium CCOL-UH 1000 Mortal and Immortal Questions. Vice Provost of Academic Development and Chair of the Core Committee, Bryce Fireman, even had to go on record to say that “the question of whether the Vice Chancellor really is mortal is both timeless and timely.”

Now, Fireman’s question is once again begging to be answered following the maverick Marinate Pemican’s display of yet another feat of leadership. In her latest email to the NYUAD community, she announced that the campus cats have officially been appointed as public health officials and were given every jurisdiction needed to enforce the on-campus safety measures this fall. The question of how she communicated and even reached an agreement with the most notorious members of the university community still stands outside of our knowledge, refuting the Vice Chancellor’s own earlier statement (“I am not a literal demigod.”).

“In keeping with our commitment to the health and safety protocols in place, we have decided to recruit the campus cats to strictly enforce said protocols,” Pemican elaborated in her email, where she also noted that Streetcat has been put on the Vice Chancellor’s Return to Campus Advisory Group. “From Sept. 1, corresponding to the start of arrival of students on campus, Streetcat and his team will be posted all over campus, round the clock. Students and faculty members are required to show the green notification on the NYUAD Symptom Checker app to them in order to access buildings and campus facilities. Any activity in disagreement with the safety protocols is to be immediately reported to the @campus.cats Instagram page.”

“I urge the community to dissolve any prior relationship, familial or adversarial, it may have forged with the cats; from hereon, they are designated public health officials and we expect community members through the ranks to cooperate with them likewise,” added Pemican. “They can no longer be swayed with Convenience Store chicken or scraps from your sandwich. Attempts to do so will count as bribery and in violation of the university’s code of ethics.”

For an email of such sheer magnitude, it ends on a rather hopeful note: “Streetcat has assured the board that given his expectations of compliance are met, our phased approach to bringing the student body back to campus can be expedited and the entire student body may be on campus for in-person classes as early as the latter half of this fall.”

The Vice Chancellor’s final remark has sparked a feral conversation in the university’s online community.

“I’m sorry for previously saying we need to get rid of the cats; they are now my only hope. I cannot bear to live with my family anymore,” pleaded Nohaus Ing, Class of 2022, who was denied residence on campus this fall.

On the other hand, some students are simply excited to see the cats dressed up in their new uniforms, which the tailoring SIG, Tailor Swift, has promised to deliver pro bono. A student who goes by the Twitter username @shamantha_the_munchking, whose real identity is being concealed due to obvious reasons, tweeted, “We’ve been demanding a feline fashion week for the past two years, but Student Government never thought to take us seriously. We hope the VC’s initiative will pave the way towards making the university a more safe and inclusive place for everyone. #FURRYRIGHTS.”

Interestingly, this uniform, which will bear the familiar black and purple NYUAD Public Safety Department emblem, has roused a controversy.

“The uniforms might as well be a placebo. I don’t think the cats even have a clue about the virus,” read an anonymous post on the NYUAD Confessions Facebook page. “Still, even if this is true, what could the cats possibly do if I broke their rules? Scratch me? I wear an abaya.”

To the student’s credit, this isn’t the first time the administration has made use of this psychological effect to its advantage. It was recently under fire for sending a number of placebo emails to the student body, averaging 4000 words each, allegedly addressing the changes to the upcoming semester. When analyzed by Professor of Literature Skylar McWaters, the emails were declared to convey nothing meaningful whatsoever.

Regardless of NYUAD’s own students’ loss of faith in their university, this initiative has raked in support from far and beyond. NYU’s President Andrew Burr praised Marinate Pemican for her leadership, saying it “embodies NYU’s core values.” He further noted that “NYU recognizes Pemican’s hegemony. Inspired by her idea, [they] are considering implementing a similar program at the New York campus, recruiting our very own Washington Square Park’s resident rats.”

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that even the university’s President is claiming inferiority to the Vice Chancellor. Notably, a few years ago, his administration severely mismanaged a chlamydia outbreak at the New York campus, instigated by actor Timothée Chalamet. A staff writer at The Gazelle, who was studying away in New York at that time, reports that the damage caused by the Academy Award nominated actor was “nothing short of collateral.”

A recent announcement on the Student Portal homepage was also posted, notifying students about the complete rebranding of the Return to Campus initiative. Feline paws are being substituted for the arrows in the logo and the new byline is said to be “Return to Campus: Warned About Penalties (WAP).” It seems that the new committee, Cats Destroy Coronavirus (CDC), is already taking the situation very seriously. If things go as planned and New Zealand’s recent surge in active cases continues, NYUAD may be well on its way to becoming the only Covid-free haven on earth. When that happens, NYUAD might break news channels worldwide, but it will likely be just another regular day for the most magical university on earth.